Thursday, January 16, 2014

A Not So Funny "Funny"

Have you ever seen a post on Facebook that you just had to share, either because you thought it was cute, funny or fitting in someway?

I saw one of those kinds a few days ago and couldn't wait to share it either. Except this time I didn't share this on my wall...I wanted to save this one and share it verbally. I wanted to store this one in the memory bank and just knew that the perfect time would present itself and I would use it then. This one was saved just for my Bear.

Bear has a sense of humor so he certainly would find this funny, I thought.

He was lecturing me last night about the importance of something...blah blah blah...

I really wasn't in the mood for it to be honest and was feeling a lottabit witty and smart assy at the time...

Then it struck me "My golden moment had arrived"

and I said...


He didn't laugh.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

What I Wish

It has been a chaotic start to the new year to say the least. Normal stuff, everyday life kinda stuff but the stuff that keeps everyone busy. Two weeks in and it feels more like 2 months into the year so far ugh!

Two weeks in and three spankings already with a 4th on the horizon. You would think I would have this down by now...looks like I'm still a work in progress. Ha!

I have been thinking a lot lately about how nice it would be to have a friend in "real life" so to speak that gets this dynamic. One on the same side of the planet as me, someone who lives close-by, someone who lives the same dynamic, a would be so nice to have a friend who shares the same dynamic with her "bear" that Bear and I share.

Sometimes I really crave and need that. I have made some truly great friends blogging who have become wonderful friends of mine and I am so grateful for that. Yet, I long for that one friend who gets it! You can't just tell your "vanilla" friends that you are moody and bitchy today because you broke a rule and are going to get your ass upturned and spanked hard tonight or anything else that goes along with the dynamic. It would be so nice to have that though.

I wish for Bear too, that he had that connection with someone like himself...I think it's really hard for many dominants who practice DD to go day to day having to keep all that they deal with in too. I know the likelihood is slim to none but it would be so nice to have that for both of having a friend who "gets it" could possibly offer a great hiding spot too (temporarily) but hell, if I wasn't ready to face the "music" it could prolong things and that would sure make me feel better at the time. Then again, it could potentially get her in trouble too. Either way, it would be nice!

Monday, January 6, 2014

My Punishment

Saturday was the day...the dreaded day and I had a hard time coping knowing that my punishment was imminent. I knew this was deserved so I tried so hard to put myself in the right mindset. I was getting increasingly agitated throughout the day because as life does sometimes, my day was too busy to focus on "finding the mindset" I needed time beforehand to just take a minute and ponder on it. 

We had a conversation the night before about what he expected from me during this spanking. He told me that due to the nature of why I was being punished that he expected complete compliance on my part and would tolerate zero attitude from me. He told me no rolling eyes, (I honestly didn't even realize that I did this) no evil glares and (or this) no long drawn out sighs when he lectured prior to spanking me either. (I was mildly aware of this) He told me that my entire attitude beforehand and during would depend greatly on how this played out. I was told that any smart ass comments before, after or during would result in use of the cane. He warned me that if at anytime he asked me a question that could be answered with a "yes" or "no" he expected a Sir afterwards. He told me he was serious and this wasn't a game, that he was looking for respect and would accept nothing less.  His words were clear, "I expect a perfect attitude from you and if you think you may look at me wrong or say something wrong when I lecture you beforehand, you need to look down." That put a lump in my throat...he has never said anything like that before and I knew how seriously he was viewing this issue. 

Before I realized it the time was here...Bear was only an hour away and all I could think of was what was about to happen. He without realizing put me in a mindset of absolute submission without even knowing it. He sent me several texts prior to that made my stomach flutter.
I don't remember exactly what they were but whatever they said worked. I was just ready for this to be over with!

The time was now here and he was no-nonsense from start to finish. It was swift, hard and serious. My attitude easily stayed in check and there was never use of the cane, although he did remind me in the beginning again that it would be used if necessary.

He spanked me with two very hated paddles and the bath-brush.  Of course he started out with his hand but this time his hand hurt so bad! He rained down on my ass so hard and fast that I struggled staying on his lap without squirming almost immediately. I was warned several times to stay in position and to keep my feet out of the way or that it would be worse... I tried so hard but it was very difficult. I was put in the corner halfway through the spanking (which I hate) I was happy this time though because it gave me a break (for a short time) until he came behind me and spanked me with his hand as I stood there for a couple minutes. 

A few minutes later I was back across his lap as he continued spanking and then the worst part of my punishment came...he inserted a small anal plug and then spanked me with it in.

Let me just add this. Bear and I have never played with anal plugs sexually or otherwise before. I have never had anything in my ass before this experience. Ever!

This didn't hurt me but it was extremely humbling, embarrassing and the most submissive I have ever felt before. He was so gentle about it and he talked to me while he inserted it. He told me that if he didn't love me he wouldn't take the time to punish me but that this punishment was necessary and earned.

He ended the spanking with 50 hard swats with the bath-brush and I cried. Not only because it hurt but mostly because I was sorry and at that moment I realized how dangerous what I did really was. I cried because I knew how lucky I was to have a man who loves me enough to hold me accountable. I cried because even though my ass was almost on fire and this man was relentlessly spanking me, I also felt like the safest and most loved woman in the world. I cried because I was forgiven and could now forgive myself.
The spanking ended and he held me and somehow, someway all was good again. We ate dinner and relaxed the rest of the evening watching TV.  I eventually fell asleep on his lap while he stroked my hair. I don't think I have ever slept as good as I did that night...he wore my ass out!

Two days later I sit on a still very red, sore and marked ass and probably will for awhile. One thing is for certain...I won't make that same mistake again.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

A Brand SPANKING New Year!

Last night was simple and quiet. I had to work today so we decided that simple was the way to go to bring in the new year. I made a nice meal including everyone's favorite appetizer and my sweet girl handed out her cupcakes that she made for dessert.

We spent the evening relaxing and just enjoying each others company. It was nice and just what I needed. The Christmas hype had me completely exhausted and I needed a quiet evening of simplicity.

The kids eventually found something else to do as the evening wore on and Bear and I snuggled under the covers for awhile and talked. We made a joint resolution together that we were going to keep communication about everything at the forefront this year. It is agreed that it is the key and absolutely essential for every aspect of our relationship.

The openness that Bear and I share is rare and I am so lucky that we have that! The only time I suffer in this area is when I know it's going to get me spanked. That is the honest truth but I promised him that I am genuinely going to work harder in that aspect.

We discussed some more about my upcoming punishment on Saturday. I asked questions...lots of questions. I need to focus on finding that mindset, Bear tries to help me get there but doesn't quite understand. He just feels that since I know I earned one and because this is agreed on that I should just simply submit, no arguments or confusion at all. He tells me that my only focus should be submitting to it and learning from it. It isn't that easy for me even when I know that I have earned it. I wish I could help him see this struggle easier but haven't yet figured out how to.

We talked about goals for this year, vacations we have planned and our desires. It was a very intimate conversation and I'm glad we got a little bit of privacy to have this talk.

One thing is clear: I am one lucky woman! I have the best kids on the planet who are happy and healthy and a big Bear who loves me without condition. With God in the center of our lives, continued good health and us loving each other how we do...2014 can only be awesome!

My Personal Resolutions

~Continued good communication with Bear
~Finding my true submission
~Doing 12 really cool and fun things with the kids this year
~Lose weight and cut out unhealthy habits

I look forward to this new year and all that it has in store. Happy New Year to all of you!

Monday, December 30, 2013

A New Year Approaches

2013 has been a year of happiness, change and lots of fun! There have been lots of memories, laughter and love.

The New Year is upon us and I pray it's an even happier one full of wonderful memories and good health.

I took a break from blogging somewhere along the way while still lurking at others. Life gets busy and hectic yes, but I'm disappointed in myself for not keeping up with the blog for so many reasons. I wanted to make connections with others who share a similar dynamic, I wanted a place of reflection and a place to feel. I fell short but this is a new year approaching and I am making a resolution to do better this year. It's important to me.

Looking back on this past year, I realize I have so much to be thankful for! I am a very blessed woman. God has seen me through so many trials, my kids are happy and healthy and Bear and I are stronger and even more in love than we were a year ago!

Interestingly, I've learned so much about myself this year. Maybe it's something about 40...I think you know who you are by this age and are okay being you.

In the realm of discipline it's been very real and eye opening. We have learned a lot as we go through this journey and it has brought us much closer.

We sat down on Friday evening and had the most heart to heart conversation I think we ever had in regards to the topic. It was powerful and it realigned us both. I think it's honest to say that it's normal for one partner or both at times to fall off course sometimes because life gets in the way...we have here and there. One thing is for certain though: this dynamic is who we are and it benefits us both. It's how we work and what makes us who we are as a couple.

While we talked Friday evening a topic came up that won't benefit me a all. I managed to get in trouble again. Big, big trouble this time and this will probably be the worst punishment spanking I have ever got. I'm not going to say what I did, the fact is I did it and it lies on the most serious of all offenses. I dread this punishment in more ways that words can define...yet I also want this over with. I need it in the past so badly. One of the best parts for me about discipline is that when it's over, it's over. It is tucked away in the past along with the guilt and I am forgiven and we move on. I am proud of myself for coming clean to him about it...telling on myself is never easy especially about this. However, the weight that lifted off of me telling him is indescribable. Now I sit and wait until this weekend when we have some privacy for my punishment. Ugh! I dread this yet crave the clean slate that we have when it's over. 

Unfortunately I have to start out the new year with such an intense punishment...I actually wish in a weird way it could happen before years end. Weird I know, it would just be nice not to have to go into the new year that way. It is my goal though never to make the same mistake again and grow from this.

Waiting is such a mind fuck! Yes, I know not a very lady like way to describe it but that's how I feel. I try not to dread it too much but it always sits in the back of my mind. It's impossible for it not to, especially this one. So, I try to busy myself with as many distractions as possible and it does help a little. Today's distraction helped a lot. I focused solely on my sweet daughter who made her very first batch of cupcakes today iced with yummy pink and chocolate frosting! She even helped me make dinner and was a really good help. She was so proud of herself and I was and am of her. She is turning into such a sweet and loving girl! I love my kids so much!

So, here's another year gone by with hopes to an awesome new! (Minus the dreaded spanking) 

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Spanking Meme Time

I thought it would be fun to answer a spanking Meme instead of doing here goes....

1) When was your last spanking? Last Sunday

2) What implement do you hate getting spanked with the most? This is too hard...I'm just gonna go with all of them. Seriously though if I had to pick it would be the one he made me with my name on it...solid oak and big enough to cover both cheeks easily.

3) When you get spanked or spank is it for play or discipline? Discipline. He did give me a birthday spanking this year and that was wasn't just spanking... I had no complaints and actually told him I wished I was older...haha!!!

4) What is the strangest place you have ever been spanked or spanked someone before? A cemetery in his truck

5) Have you ever laughed during a spanking? Hell no!

6) Would you rather be warned ahead of time you're going to be spanked or just suddenly taken over his/her knee? Warned ahead of time I think

7) Have you ever ran away from an impending spanking, stalled or hid? I never ran away or hid but definitely stalled

8) How do you feel after a spanking? Happy it's over

9) Have you ever wished you could spank him or her back? More than you know!!!

10) How many implements does your "spanker" own? I never counted but I would have to say 40 or 50

11) Have you ever bought your "spanker" an implement? Yes. Twice time was a gag gift paddle that was harmless and the other time was a replacement paddle for one I threw away.

12) Have you ever destroyed, sold, or threw away an implement? I have given away an implement once to a friend Audra. I also threw some away (not smart BTW) , never sold any though...although I could probably make a killing on eBay if I did.

13) Do you like to be spanked? Hell to the no!

14) Have you ever been spanked to tears? Yes

15) What is your favorite thing about being spanked? Probably the connection it brings and the closeness before, during and after. 

16) Have you ever had a spanking dream or fantasized about being spanked? I once had a dream about something I did (didn't really happen was just a dream) and yes he spanked me for it in my dream.

17) Have you ever said anything during a spanking that you regret? Yes...I called him a F*&$er...complete slip!

18) What is your least favorite thing about being spanked? Being spanked

19) Have you ever lied, tricked, or manipulated to get out of a spanking? Yes, yes and yes...I'm working on this though

20) Name your most memorable spanking experience and why. Probably a discipline spanking I got last summer...I remember it vividly. It took place in the living room with me bent over hands on my knees as he spanked with a larger wooden left quite an impression in more ways than one. 

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Processing His List

Bear and I have been talking about discipline lately and how he feels it benefits me. He told me a couple weeks ago that he would compose a list that we could discuss after. Tonight I found this in my email and just thought that I would share:

I just did a simple copy and paste directly from...

We haven't discussed this list in any detail yet, however I have read it several times already trying to process it all. It is almost scary how accurate many of his points are as much as I hate to admit it. To each their own I guess but I do really feel this is on point as to how discipline/punishment/spanking helps us...some of which I didn't even realize myself until I read his list.

Here is my list of reasons that spanking is beneficial for you.  They are in no particular order.  Each is equally important.

1) It makes you think before making a bad decision.
2) Allows you to put things behind you after being in trouble
3) Reduces your stress in general
4) Makes you feel loved because I care enough to watch out for you in every way
5) Keeps you honest
6) Makes you respectful
7) Is the only way you are held accountable for bad decisions
8) Helps you feel safe
9) It improves your overall mood for all the reasons already listed
10) Brings us closer after each spanking
11) It helps you hold your kids responsible for their actions after seeing a benefit from being spanked.  Obviously you don't spank them but it does help you discipline them in different ways
12) Helps you maintain a closer relationship with others that also practice discipline, which helps you understand how others think and let's them help you understand the overall positive impact.
13) Prevents a cocky attitude about those things that hurt you
14) Puts you in a submissive state, which is the only way you will think first before acting
15) Keeps you healthy
16) Keeps you more financially responsible
17) Helps you look at yourself as more important than you would without having discipline
18) It actually makes you more aware of everything around you, from people who are bad influences to everything that is
19) Adds a new type of secure feeling to your life that you didn't experience in your past
20) Let's you know that every thing you do has a consequence, the good things of course but now also the bad

Still Processing this...